From the bowels of Full Moon Films' filmography, 'Robot Wars' was so bad that it was hard to even make fun of. I tried to pay attention but it really was difficult. What I gathered was that there was some sort of military base in the future that let people ride on giant robots that occasionally underwent attack simulations. One of those attacks happened to be the real deal, but the pilot got the people through it safely only to be ridiculed for conducting a drill that seemed unsafe. The pilot, a suave, Scott Valentine impersonator, immediately fell for Barbara Crampton when she and her horny reporter-on-vacation friend belittled his pilot skills and punched him in the face. The pilot also didn't get along with his captain and was relieved of his duty for a while but that didn't seem to matter. Then he went to the desert and killed some random people. He had a friend/co-pilot who seemed to be a little on the slow side who helped him out. The two of them figured out that the stereotypical Asian guys who wanted to buy a robot were in league with the bad guys from some other corporation and they wanted to do something to someone or something. I don't know. I was really trying to stay with it but it was just so bad. To sum up the ending, the pilot and his friend and Barbara Crampton found an old robot that still worked and apparently they were able to defeat the Asian dude in his robot that he stole. They don't really show the end of the fight though, they just said they won, so I guess they must have. I felt bad for Barbara Crampton for being part of this.
2. Clash of the Titans
Ray Harryhausen never made anything bad. His creature effects are still some of the coolest that have ever appeared on screen. That said, 'Clash of the Titans' isn't necessarily a good movie. Sure, it is a classic, but it is still pretty bad. Made 18 years after 'Jason and the Argonauts', the two movies look like they could've been made one right after the other. Oh well, that doesn't matter. It is still a very entertaining movie. I won't go into the details about the plot. If you want to know, either go watch the movie (or the remake) or, better yet, go read up on Greek mythology. 'Clash of the Titans' boasts an all star cast including Laurence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Burgess Meredith, and several other big names. Part of me feels bad for calling it a bad movie, but then there is a part of me that doesn't care about that first part.
With all the babies being born into the Bad Movie Club these days, it only made sense to do a Baby themed bad movie night. And what better way to start off a baby themed night than with the movie 'The Baby'? It doesn't get much weirder than 'The Baby'. A social worker goes to visit a family and discovers a man in his 20's with the mental capacity and physical limitations of an infant. He is kept in diapers and a crib and regularly molested by his sisters. His mom throws a party for him and several adults show up and nobody seems perturbed by the fact that he is an overgrown man-baby in one of the most bizarre families ever. Oh well, I guess it was the 70's... The ending was pretty hilarious. Overall I couldn't really call 'The Baby' a bad movie, just... different. I was transfixed. It was impossible to take my eyes off the screen, and I think everyone else felt about the same. It was a good movie that left me feeling dirty afterwards.
2. Won Ton Baby
We've sunk to new lows with 'Won Ton Baby'. A guy who may or may not have been Elvis has sex with a prostitute and she gives birth to a baby girl. Several years later, her daughter (with the absolute worst fake Chinese accent ever) seems pregnant, but is really just carrying her parasitic twin brother. The twin hatches and begins killing and having sex with everything it can. That is pretty much the gist of it. It actually sounds better than it was. It had some funny parts but most of all it was just dumb. I think it went over pretty well with the Bad Movie Club though, and it was definitely worthy of a bad movie night!
3. The Suckling
The final baby-themed movie of the evening was 'The Suckling'. A coat-hanger abortion in a brothel gets flushed down the toilet and meets up with some radioactive waste and I'm pretty sure you can guess what happens next. The fetus becomes a monster and the placenta becomes a thick, gooey wall that envelops the brothel and holds everyone inside hostage while the monster-fetus goes on a killing spree. Well, it may have been a better movie if it was more of a killing spree. What actually happened was a whole lot of arguing while the creepy little creature just looked menacingly around and scared a few people. It wasn't what most people would call a good movie, but then that is why we have bad movie nights!
As painful as it was for me to miss a bad movie night, I wasn't able to get to this one. Having a two week old baby at home makes it hard to do much of anything. However, I was able to watch remotely, which counts for something I guess. So while I can't speak to the event itself (I'm sure it was a blast - it was a pool party too!), I can say for sure that 'Malibu High' was a wonderfully bad movie! It was about a girl in high school who went from a fairly decent student to a drug-dealing prostitute assassin in very little time after her boyfriend left her. It was a pretty fun movie, with a funny ending. I enjoyed it.
2. Ultrachrist!
'Ultrachrist!' may have been one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It was certainly one of the worst ever shown at a bad movie night! I don't even remember most of what happened, but I remember being somewhat surprised by how bad it was. Basically, Jesus gets sent back to Earth to bring goodness back, and nobody on Earth really cares or wants him back or believes him. So he decides to wear a superhero costume and take on bad head first. It had a very amateur feeling, which is fine, but I think it was a little more impressed with itself than I was.
The seventh Bad Movie Club bad movie night theme was Fitness, and we got the ball rolling hard and fast with David A. Prior's 'Killer Workout' (AKA 'Aerobicide'). After losing her twin sister Valerie in a terrible tanning accident, Rhonda becomes the owner of Rhonda's Workout, a gym where folks just keep dancercising even though people keep dropping dead all around them. An undercover detective (Ted Prior) joins the gym to try to get to the bottom of the murders but is unable to stop the bloodbath before it is too late. 'Killer Workout' is a classic 80's slasher that is absolutely worth seeing. Where else can you see a guy get stabbed in the leg with a rake and then roundhouse kick his attacker into a swimming pool?
2. Body Melt
The first phase is hallucinogenic... the second phase is glandular... and the third phase is...
By no stretch of my imagination is 'Body Melt' anything close to being a bad movie, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to show it to a captive audience! This Australian oddity is so amazing and bizarre that it defies categorization. Suffice to say it is a spectacle that everyone should be so lucky to witness. A corporation called Vimuville produces a new type of vitamin guaranteed to make you healthier and they test it out on the population of a cul-de-sac. The problem is that the vitamins make people freak out and makes their bodies do all sorts of disgusting things. I won't spoil it any more than that, but I will suggest that everyone see this movie right away. I can't call it a bad movie, so in that sense it didn't really work for Bad Movie Night, but it was totally worth it.
3. Death Spa
Michael Fischa directed three movies in 1989 - 'My Mom's a Werewolf', 'Crack House', and 'Death Spa'. Regretfully, I haven't seen 'Crack House', but of the two I have seen, I'd say 1989 was a pretty great year for Fischa. Aside from the fact that 'Death Spa' (AKA 'Witch Bitch') has a decidedly supernatural story line, it is very similar to 'Killer Workout' which was released one year prior (not that I'm complaining - I love them both - it just seems odd). The owner of Michael's Health Spa is still distraught after the suicide death of his wife, and he blames his brother-in-law David for a series of deaths that have occurred in the gym. The rest is a pretty fantastic blend of 80's workout scenes, bizarre and gory deaths, exploding heads and spectral electrocutions. It was the perfect end to an awesome night of (mostly) bad movies, and I don't know about you but now I feel like hitting the gym!
From the director of 'Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe', comes this unforgivably awful sequel (in name only) to 'Food of the Gods'. 'Food of the Gods 2' or 'Gnaw' was the first movie in the Bad Movie Club's sixth Bad Movie Night, and calling it bad is putting it nicely. The film is most notable for featuring a child named Bobby who grew to gigantic size after his teacher dosed him with an experimental growth hormone. Unfortunately Bobby wasn't in the movie for very long, because he was hilarious. The real plot of the movie involves animal rights activists who smash up a vivisection laboratory and unwittingly release giant rats that have been given the same growth hormone as Bobby. Those rats naturally go ballistic and start eating everything and everyone in their way. Was 'Food of the Gods 2' terrible? Yes. Was it entertaining? Absolutely.
2. Rodentz
'Rodentz' (AKA 'Altered Species') was the second terrible movie in our sixth Bad Movie Night. It featured a scientist looking for a cure for cancer but finding some green slop that his assistant flushed down the sink. The substance leaked through rusty pipes in the basement and found its way to some rats who gobbled it up and turned into monstrous beasts. Meanwhile, the scientist's assistant invited some friends over to party in the lab, and they inevitably became giant rat food. 'Rodentz' is a super cheesy giant rodent film perfect for a bad movie night.
3. Rats: Night of Terror
Bruno Mattei's post-apocalyptic masterpiece, 'Rats: Night of Terror' is a highly entertaining pile of garbage about survivors of a nuclear holocaust who take refuge in a dreary abandoned warehouse filled with mutilated corpses and mutated giant rats. The promise of food is enough to make them stay, even with dead bodies strewn all over the place. This movie is terrible, but well worth the watch (the twist at the end is just ridiculous). Its also always good to see Geretta Geretta ('Demons'). 'Rats: Night of Terror' was the fitting end to a wonderful night of truly terrible movies.
In my opinion, Ed Wood was years ahead of his time. Now, before I get chastised for saying that, let me explain: He had the guts to make movies that nobody else was making at the time. The only way he could get the budget for making those movies was by bending to appease producers and throwing in elements that didn't make sense and threw off the flow of his movies, but he did it anyway because he had such a passion for making movies and that was the only way he could do it. I think with a bigger budget and more artistic control, Wood's films would be recognized for a whole different reason today. That doesn't matter though, it is all in the past and can't be changed and it isn't why we're here. We're here to discuss 'Glen or Glenda', Wood's semi-autobiographical, transvestite masterpiece that exposed his love of angora sweaters and blonde wigs. 'Glen or Glenda' tells the tale of two men - Glen, a man who enjoyed wearing women's clothing, and Alan, a 'pseudo-hermaphrodite' who had surgery to change his sex. The film shows the negative and narrow-minded reactions from the regular, god-fearing folk, and even has a weird dream sequence with Satan! If you haven't seen any of Ed Wood's films, please go check them out. They may be dated and they're known for being awful, but they've got a certain charm and energy that most modern films just don't have. 'Glen or Glenda' was the first film of our 'Transvestite' themed Bad Movie Night, and what a way to start!
2. Vegas In Space
The second movie in the Bad Movie Club's 'Transvestite' themed Bad Movie Night was Troma's drag queen classic 'Vegas in Space'! An explosion of color and crazy costumes, 'Vegas in Space' is a spectacular disaster of fabulous proportions (and it was filmed in GlamouRama!)! It follows a crew of intergalactic soldiers forced to take pills that temporarily change their sex so they can go on a mission to the planet Clitoris, a planet where only women are allowed. Their mission is to recover the stolen pieces of Girlinium that the Empress needs to keep the planet from slipping out of orbit and destroying Clitoris, or something like that. It was hard to pay attention to the plot. Mostly it was entertaining because of the outrageous sets and costumes. Someone described it as 'Too Wong Foo' meets 'Flash Gordon', and I'd say that is pretty accurate. At the very least, I'd say it was definitely fitting for a bad movie night!
3. Let Me Die A Woman
Undoubtedly the most uncomfortable movie the Bad Movie Club has so far endured, 'Let Me Die A Woman' was sexploitation master Doris Wishman's sleazy, pseudo-documentary about both men and women who were pre-op or post-op transsexuals. Not that the subject matter is particularly unsettling (although if that part makes you uncomfortable, I guarantee you can't handle this movie), but some of the scenes are unexpected and at times border on pornographic (which can be a little weird in a group setting). But for what it is worth, I have to admit I like this movie. The film follows the real Dr. Leo Wollman, a doctor who assisted transsexuals with the transition, as he described the changes bodies go through and what often goes on in the body and mind of a person who identifies more with the opposite sex. While being partially informative, there is no question that this is an exploitation film. It even goes so far as to include a sex scene with adult superstar Harry Reems. It is a very interesting film, not for the easily offended. As my friend Blade pointed out, the star of the movie was really a (never explained) baby skeleton in a jar on the doctor's desk. Worth noting is Doris Wishman started filming eight years prior under the title 'Adam Or Eve' and some of that footage found its way to the final product, which explains why the doctor occasionally sits at different office desks in different buildings and looks like two different people. This movie was more of a challenge to see who could make it through, and I'm proud to say everyone who started the movie stayed to finish it!
From the bowels of Full Moon Films' filmography, 'Robot Wars' was so bad that it was hard to even make fun of. I tried to pay attention but it really was difficult. What I gathered was that there was some sort of military base in the future that let people ride on giant robots that occasionally underwent attack simulations. One of those attacks happened to be the real deal, but the pilot got the people through it safely only to be ridiculed for conducting a drill that seemed unsafe. The pilot, a suave, Scott Valentine impersonator, immediately fell for Barbara Crampton when she and her horny reporter-on-vacation friend belittled his pilot skills and punched him in the face. The pilot also didn't get along with his captain and was relieved of his duty for a while but that didn't seem to matter. Then he went to the desert and killed some random people. He had a friend/co-pilot who seemed to be a little on the slow side who helped him out. The two of them figured out that the stereotypical Asian guys who wanted to buy a robot were in league with the bad guys from some other corporation and they wanted to do something to someone or something. I don't know. I was really trying to stay with it but it was just so bad. To sum up the ending, the pilot and his friend and Barbara Crampton found an old robot that still worked and apparently they were able to defeat the Asian dude in his robot that he stole. They don't really show the end of the fight though, they just said they won, so I guess they must have. I felt bad for Barbara Crampton for being part of this.
Ray Harryhausen never made anything bad. His creature effects are still some of the coolest that have ever appeared on screen. That said, 'Clash of the Titans' isn't necessarily a good movie. Sure, it is a classic, but it is still pretty bad. Made 18 years after 'Jason and the Argonauts', the two movies look like they could've been made one right after the other. Oh well, that doesn't matter. It is still a very entertaining movie. I won't go into the details about the plot. If you want to know, either go watch the movie (or the remake) or, better yet, go read up on Greek mythology. 'Clash of the Titans' boasts an all star cast including Laurence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Burgess Meredith, and several other big names. Part of me feels bad for calling it a bad movie, but then there is a part of me that doesn't care about that first part.
